Men Ruin Plans

They say when you make a plan, God laughs at you. Then, God then sends a man to ruin your plan!

Think about these universal experiences:

·        The minute you have a plan for a fulfilling and adventurous single life, God sends you your husband to ruin your plans.

·        What about if you want to be in a relationship? If it’s not with a woman, good luck finding someone compatible with you, because men ruin your plans.

·        Want a child but can’t conceive? It’s probably because you’re going to have a son and he’s ruining your plans.

·        Did you not want a child but you are knocked up? It’s probably a boy because he is ruining your plans.

·        Oh, but you want a boy? Then it’s a girl because he needs to ruin your plans.

·        Oh wait, you don’t want a boy? Too bad, you’re getting one because he’s ruining your plans.

·        Do you have a solid business plan but you’re not getting any investors? That’s because most investors are men and men ruin plans!

·        Did you want to live in a free, democratic country, without fascism or the funding of genocide? Too bad, there are too many men in politics who are there to ruin your plans.

You can give me any scenario where you have a plan that was ruined, and I can show you how a man is responsible.

The thing is, having a ruined plan is not always a bad thing.

The Scripts We Write

Plans are basically stories we tell ourselves of what is going to happen. And that makes sense - storytelling is deeply entrenched in our humanity. It is the core of our learning, our history, and our overall communication. It is innate to our very being.

Our existence is a story.

The best stories have multiple people shaping the narrative - muses, writers, editors, publishers, readers, fans, critics.  

So, take a moment to think about who is contributing to your narrative. It’s easy to think that you are in control. But the people you surround yourself with, your environment, the stories you witness all contribute to the one you tell yourself. When you go even deeper, consider which limiting beliefs are informing your narrative and building the script you follow?

·        Is it the one where you need to find a vocation to bring meaning and value to your life?

·        Or the one where you must submit to an authority figure in order to be a good person?

·        How about the one where you are worthless unless you are generating value to society?

·        Or the one that says that if you ask for help you are weak?

·        What about the one where you only have the capacity to truly love one person as a partner?

Where did you get all of these ideas from? How rigid does your script become when you cater to those beliefs?

Let’s look at the one about work giving your life meaning:

Say the script you follow is based on the fact that you love your job and the work you do is meaningful. So, you wake up every day, get to work and give it your all. You have other parts of your life that you attend to, but your work is important, and people depend on you doing that work. It would be fair to say that your vocation is the core of your identity because this is what your script says you were born to be.

Of course, this script is helpful because it has given you a purpose and a path to follow. A pleasant little story about your life and why your life is worth living.

Now what happens if:

·        You have a personal life event that prevents you from continuing to work? (e.g. injury, family emergency, etc.)

·        Your work is no longer economically sustainable, so you are laid off, lose clients, or lose funding?

·        You are forced to retire?

There will always be something (probably a man) waiting to derail your script even if you’ve incorporated some potential pitfalls. It is impossible to anticipate everything. 

Now that you have deviated from the script, does it mean your life is not as valuable anymore? What about anyone else who hasn’t followed your script? Are their lives worth less?

No. All of our lives are inherently valuable and getting too attached to our scripts makes us lose sight of that. 

Speaking of losing sight of our value as human beings, let’s look at the script around monogamy. According to that script, we are all only capable of loving, supporting, and partnering with just one other person. There is no room in our hearts and lives to deeply connect with anyone else, ever…unless of course that person you commit to dies or you break up or whatever.

The script is based on tribalism. That to be safe, we need to be close-knit and cliquey because most people (men?) will intentionally hurt you when they get the chance and steal your resources.

But at what point did we decide that love and affection are scarce resources to be hoarded and protected? When did we decide that connecting with one person will diminish the value of a connection you have with another?

If that were true, we all would only have one relative we love and the rest we tolerate. One best friend, and the rest are acquaintances. One favorite meal, and we would hate eating everything else. One favorite animal and the rest could all go extinct for all we care. Only one favorite thing in the entire world and nothing else could ever measure up or have its own complementary strengths in its own way. Liking more than one thing would be preposterous.

Even if you believe that you have a favorite “something”, that preference is highly contextual. It is pure arrogance to assume that there is no other version of it in the world that you may one day like just as much, if not more. There’s also something to be said about thinking that your tastes won’t ever change. I mean we all love the exact same things we did when we were four years old, right? I know I haven’t found a musical talent better than Barney.

The point is, there is no need to limit yourself on things that are infinite such as:

·        Love

·        Gratitude

·        Imagination

You are setting yourself up to miss out.

Leading with Limitlessness

What happens to your script when you lead with limitlessness? When you write it without boundaries on your love, gratitude, or imagination?

You realize how much of our existence is made up. All these things you should or should not do are fictions, usually very recently invented, to benefit people who’ve figured out how to profit from suffering and exploitation.

You realize that you are opening yourself up to something you cannot yet fathom. Ways of experiencing the world and those around you that go deeper than the faux-stability you have created through plans and routines.

That doesn’t mean you always have to write your own script either. Sometimes there are people we trust who can get us started. Get our imaginations running with new narratives as we get in touch with what we want in our lives instead of fixating on the “how”.   

When you focus on the end goal instead of the way to get there, you will quickly realize that leaving room for changes, improv and ad-libs to your script will take you on a path that’s not only more fulfilling, but smoother than what you planned.

That’s why I believe God sends men to ruin your plans – to force you to confront and change your script.

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What script are you using these days? I’d love to know.

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