Saying No

Performed at the International Storytelling Event on December 30th, 2020

1
When a loved one passed away,
I flew home to attend her funeral.
A cathartic and healing endeavor.

A family member approached me at the service
And asked me for a hug.
Caught up in my own grief
And complicated emotions
I said no.

I did not think I had to explain
That I needed to focus on my own healing
I needed space to sort through my thoughts
That I needed to say goodbye

But I was met
With outrage and fury
Accusations, recriminations
Told I was selfish and cruel.
The people who loved me said:
“Salimah, your body is your own.
You do not owe anyone any touch at any time.
There is no shame in saying no.”

But being the evolved human being that I am
Conditioned to discard the positive and let the negative stick
I allowed those undeserving of my trust
To get under my skin
When they said to me:
“But why would you not comfort a family member?
What kind of monster refuses to care for someone who is hurt
You should just let it slide, take it in stride
You should have put their needs before your own.”

2
When I found a job I enjoyed,
I jumped in the deep end.
Developed a new appreciation,
And curiosity for the world

I thought I was making a difference.
Dedicating real estate in my heart and soul,
So I could do my best
While acting as treasured support
To worthy talent,
To worthy work.

But some behaviors,
Coming from the top,
Undermined my confidence,
Eroded my respect.
Feeling pushed to compromise my values,
I said no.

I did not think I had to explain
That my integrity had its limits
And I needed to see some real effort
To believe that these issues could be fixed.

But I was met
With aggravating condescension
Denial and protestation
Told I had no patience or grace.

The people who loved me said:
“Salimah, follow your instincts
You do not need to let money or power put pressure on your standards
There is no shame in saying no.”

But being the evolved human being that I am
Conditioned to discard the positive and let the negative stick
I allowed those undeserving of my trust
To get under my skin
When they said to me:
“But why are you not giving them a break?
They probably had good intentions, they don’t know any better
You should just let it slide, take it in stride
You should have put their needs before your own.”

3
When I met her,
It was love at first sight.
She chose me
Over more pressing needs.
Sealing our unconditional bond.

She is sweet and affectionate.
A comfort to be around.
Strangely enough, it does not conflict
With her strong personality,
Her independence,
And ability to maintain reasonable bounds.

Sometimes she has her own agenda,
Or suddenly feels a certain way.
Sometimes it is just a quick movement
That makes her get up and walk away.
Whatever it is that prompts her,
She does not lash out or scratch
She is dignified and calm
When she says no.

She does not have to explain
That her boundaries may change,
And that sometimes she needs space,
And has other priorities of the day.

And she is met
With compassionate understanding
Sometimes clarification or negotiation
But never personally judged.

Because I love her, I say:
“Olive, I’m sorry if my actions hurt you in any way
But I also recognize that your reaction may not even be about me.
As long as you are safe and healthy,
There is no shame in saying no.”

And being the evolved feline that she is,
Conditioned to be herself and know that it is enough,
She accepts my love and gives her own in return
Letting mistakes slide and taking them in stride
But never putting my needs before her own.