My Time Management Superpower - Part 2
This is Part 2 of my Time Management Superpower Series. Read Part 1 here.
As you may recall, in Part 1, we established that your time is finite and that you need to be clear on your values and get to your own icing point. As you figure that out for yourself, it’s important to recognize that this is also true and necessary for everyone around you (although most of them will not be ready to do that work). In fact…
Everyone You Love Will Die One Day
Yes, this is morbid. Yes, this can be anxiety-inducing. But, yes - this is an unavoidable fact of life. Even if you see it coming, a loved one’s passing causes deep, long-lasting pain and sadness.
There are only two things I have found that seems to mitigate the pain are:
Knowing that they knew how you felt about them including
The times you were thankful they were in your life
The times you felt proud of their actions or accomplishments
The times you felt extra affection towards them, for whatever reason
Having made memories together in non-transactional contexts - meaning you spent time together, purely for the joy of each other’s company instead of out of necessity.
When you think about everyone you love and care about, do you feel like these two conditions are satisfied? If not, why do you think that is? Are those reasons more important? (It’s okay if the answer to that last question is yes, and I’m sure your loved ones understand that as well.)
Now, think about the people you are spending your time on. Are they kind to you? Do they treat you with respect? If the answer to either of those questions are “no”, it is my humble opinion that you are likely spending more time and energy than you should with these people - even if they are a family member, longtime friend, employer or client. Please notice my choice of words - someone can be nice, they can even love you but be neither kind nor respectful. As a human being, you deserve kindness and respect and you should work towards allocating your time to people who treat you the way you deserve. The only exception is if you are supporting someone who has experienced trauma and lashes out - but only if you feel 100% safe in those situations and truly believe that their reactions are not about you but about their own coping. And really, I am explicitly referring to therapists, psychologists, counselors and other professionals formally trained to work with this, not domestic situations.
Everyone also has their own Mini-Mortality
The other concept I introduced in Part 1 is that our lives and situations are far from static - they can change rapidly and without warning. Especially people who are either significantly younger or older than you - your relationships with them will undergo the most change. When someone is much younger than you, you have to evolve how you connect with them based on their growing maturity. When someone is older than you, you will have to navigate around their changing responsibilities and general abilities. Recognizing that these relationships will change will hopefully let you appreciate each stage you go through together.
So what am I supposed to do?
Prioritize your non-toxic loved ones.
These are the people who you always want to see or hear from. If you got to pick who lived next door, they would be on your list. You can rely on them and they can rely on you. They do not even resent you when you go MIA when you are busy because they support you and want you to achieve your ambitions (even though they miss you very much).
Now you don’t have to go and quit your job or put your life plan aside to center your life around these people (even they probably don’t want that for you!). However, if your life is set up in a way where you never interact, you’ve got some re-evaluating to do!
In the meantime, here are some simple ways to connect with someone that doesn’t require too much coordination or planning - even if a significant amount of time has passed:
Send them a thoughtful card (birthday or ‘just because’) telling them why you appreciate them.
If words are not your strong suit, send them a gift basket! (google gift shops in their area and pick some sort of combination of chocolate, fruit, cheese, popcorn - you can’t go wrong!)
Send them a short text or email (“Thinking of you. Hope you are doing well!”)
Invite them to an event or place you are already going to (virtual or in-person - lately I have been inviting friends to retreat events hosted by The Tribe by Project Passport because they are really fun and interactive so that you can learn something together and have a bonding experience beyond a ‘catch-up’.)
Ask them if you can tag along to anything fun they are planning on doing! (that’s how I got a fully planned out trip to Costa Rica! [delayed by COVID])
These are small gestures, but they can end up meaning a lot. I have seen it firsthand:
Aneel and I met in university and were always friendly. He was the type of person to wear his heart on his sleeve and always searched for connection with people. He shared anything he was going through openly and honestly. One of the things we related to each other on was that we were both a year younger than our peers so we would remember each other’s birthday (his was on April 18th). In fact, one year, many years ago, I decided to write him an in-depth birthday card describing how our friendship evolved from my first impression of him (where he intimidated me) to a relationship I knew would last our entire lives.
He was touched by that gesture and since then, even if we’d go a while without chatting, we would always remember to text each other on our birthdays and try to have a catch-up call or meet up at least once a year.
Early last year, Aneel sent me a picture of that birthday card. He had found the card as he was cleaning his room one day and he had wanted to reiterate how much he appreciated it. That was one of last few texts I got from Aneel before he died unexpectedly last July in an accident.
Even though Aneel and I had a good relationship, and that gives me comfort, I still regret not reaching out to him even more and texting him every time I thought about him. If I did, I would have been able to talk to him properly one more time before he passed.
I hope this inspires you to reach out to someone you care about. Feel free to share your feedback in the comments or contact me if you want to keep the conversation private.
Next month, we will talk about how to balance everything you want to get done in a day!
