Constructive Compliments
Consider these two sets of compliments
(where A & B ∈ Universal set of feedback [I’m setting up a Set Theory joke]) :
Which set would you prefer to hear more often? From who?
Which set would make you feel good in the moment?
Which set would make you feel good when you remember it later?
Which set are you more likely to believe, if said about you today?
Which set would have a stronger effect on your self-narrative? (i.e. change the way you think about yourself)
How would your answers above change if we were to ask this of your 5-year-old self?
Now consider the opposite of the statement sets
(the complement of A & B, if you will [see what I did there?]):
Which set of statements are more productive?
How does seeing the opposite of Set A and B change or reinforce how you feel about those compliments?
My own reflection:
I heard a lot of Set A growing up, and though it gave me a lot of confidence, it really limited my experiences. I didn’t want to try anything or care about anything I was not immediately good enough at. I did not practice practicing. I did not practice failing. I did not practice being comfortable looking silly. I did not practice persistence, working hard and just plain trying.
I struggle with Set B because it focuses on the effort, rather than the outcome/impact – so it’s harder to feel like a “win” and to get that pleasure-rush in my lizard-brain. But life isn’t really about winning, is it? It’s about living with integrity and trying.
This really became clearer to me by exploring the A’, B’ sets. As an adult, it’s pretty easy for me to dismiss Set A’, because no one has the right to make those judgements about me (or anyone for that matter). But, since no one has the right to assert Set A’, technically, no one has the right to objectively assert Set A either.
Set B’ are pretty devastating statements. However, they can be valid claims, substantiated with examples and are rectifiable. This is what makes Set B’ and Set B constructive – and overall the better set.
What do you think? Are you Team Set B or do you think Set A has some merits that I haven’t explored? Did you like my Set Theory pun? Let me know in the comments below or contact me here.
